Bru-Hed’s BEER ABBY #26: “2012 Oscar Predictions, and More Ghost Rider Crap”

It’s that time of year again, kiddies! No, I’m not talking about the upcoming Three Hour Mutual Backpatting Fest (also called “The Oscars”), but Leap Year! You only have a week left to plan something worthwhile to do every four years. Make it cool--better than a presidential election at least! So let’s get to your emails:

Beer Abby:
What are your predictions for the Academy Awards this year?

Woody A.
NYC, NY

 

Dear Woodster:
I predict everyone will ignore your pedophilia with your foster kid yet again and think you’re still funny and relevant in order to further their careers. And that Billy Crystal will be loved but not nearly as funny as Eddie Murphy woulda been.


 

Hey, Bru:
What do you do on Oscar Sunday? And who do you think will WIN the Oscars?

M. Scorsese
Brooklyn, NY

 

Hey, M.:
Well, because I’m a straight male, I can’t watch the entire show. Sometimes I’ll record the last half hour and fast forward to see what the big awards were and which of the desperate dames dressed slutty hot. But usually I watch ESPN and any beer commercials I taped.

As for the winners, here are the predictions and why they win:

Best Picture: THE HELP (Black women, white guilt.)
Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius (Foreign name, sounds impressive when the presenter pronounces it. The Academy wants to look sophisticated so they love French first names. If they can’t pronounce it, they’ll give it to Woody. See my answer to his question above.)
Best Actor: Demián Bichir (Same as above. If they can’t, pronounce it, they’ll give it to George Clooney.)
Best Actress: Viola Davis (see Best Picture. But they may save it for Supporting, in which case they give it to their buddy Meryl.)
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (but if Davis gets the above, then the foreign name thing kicks in and it goes to Bérénice Bejo--anytime you see a bunch o’ those silly accent thingies above vowels, it’s a magnet for kudos!)
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer (gay role + “Gay Super Bowl” = Gold)
Best Animated Feature: CHICO & RITA (minority night! Unless most other minorities win, then it goes to RANGO because more people will be able to see it and drive attendance higher which the industry desperately needs.)

 

What about Best Screenplay, Best Documentary, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Song and all the others? Real people don’t really care. Nobody pays ten bucks to see a flick ‘cause it won “Best Adapted Screenplay” or whatever. Besides, writers aren’t respected in Hollywood, so neither are their awards. Sucks, but true.


 

Mr. Hed--
If this is a leap year, and leap years are every four years, and this is a presidential election year, and elections happen every four years, does that mean every presidential election has happened on a leap year?

Ron P.
Washington, D.C.

 

Mr. P.--
I think you just answered your own question. Which is normal for any politician!


 

Dear Bru-Hed--
I’ve read a thread on Steve Bissette’s Facebook page, warning all artists that they’re at risk if they draw (not just sell but draw) sketches of Marvel’s characters. He noted that Sean Murphy was nailed by Marvel’s lawyers for selling copies of his sketchbook that had Wolverine in it. What do you think?

Randy and Jean-Luc L.
Big Name, CA

 

Dear L. bros--
First, I take a risk every time I open a beer! Hasn’t stopped me from downing at least a six-pack a day yet. Dumb reason. I said it last week, didn’t I? (See here). Marvel and DC have never stopped pros from selling *original* (not swiped Granito-type) sketches of their characters just for copyright or even trademark infringement. Just look at all those “fine artists” who sell their crap for big money based on such characters, even using printed comics! Hell, they even print “Sketch Editions” with BLANK COVERS for the sole purpose of having artists draw their lame characters on them!

Second, I saw Pascale make a wager to Steve for $100 to their schools of choice that artists will still be able to sell original sketches of Marvel & DC characters a year from now, and Steve didn’t have the guts to reply. Tells me all I need ta know. (For more on Steve--that’s two words--see his rants and other stuff here.)

Third, I read that whole stupid thread too, and I noticed some poor slobs just like to nitpick semantics and ignore the facts just to feed their egos regardless of what’s presented to them. You know the type--when you explain what they misinterpreted or point out something that agrees with them, they ignore it and keep nitpicking. That’s why you don’t see me stooping to stupid Internet debates! And why guys like YOU come to ME for advice. Which is the way it should be, of course.


 

Hey Bru-dude--
If Halley’s Comet was named after Halley, was the Mercury Comet named after the planet? Or the Greek god?

C. Sagan
Outthere, OK

 

Hey, Sagan-man-
First, Mercury was actually messenger of the Roman gods. But they didn’t name a comet after him. The Mercury Comet was simply the Mercury division’s version of the Ford Maverick. Both sucked. Halley’s Comet was a real celestial body, but nowhere near as awesome as Uhura’s on STAR TREK, or Princess Leia’s in STAR WARS. That’s all you need ta know.


 

Beer Abby:
Why are people so afraid to disagree with you here? You’ve said some pretty outrageous things. Yet I’ve never seen anything in the “Comments” section. Do they reply in private instead?

Craig R.
Webland, CA

 

Dear Craig:
It’s hard to disagree with someone when they’re right. I think anyone that wants to argue does it on other forums I don’t visit. That way I can’t destroy them. Now, last one:


 

Mr. Bru-Hed--
I have no idea where you get your “facts” but it seems like they come from your bottom, right next door to where your brain is. You don’t have a leg to stand on legally about these arguments and debates. I know a lot more because I said so.

C. Woz
Philodox, PA

 

Mr. Woz--
Well, I guess I spoke too soon! Buddy, in case you’ve never seen my best-selling books (no book ever sold better at my table), you should know I am *always* drawn with two legs to stand on! (That third one is really something else. Just ask the LADIES.) Which is more than I can say for your love life, pal. Jealousy is an ugly emotion.

Speaking of ugly, I don’t discriminate when it comes to answering questions. Whether you’re smokin’ like Carmen Electra or smokin’ like a burned-out Courtney Love with her hair aflame, I’m willing to help one and all. Any field, any subject. Go ahead! Make my blog--and I’ll make your LIFE--better!

Later,
Bru

P.S.: Another way to make your life (and mine) better is to grab a copy of my awesome best-selling trade paperback, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED. (Seriously, it sold better than any other Bru-Hed trade in history!) Mention this column and I’ll even ship it for FREE. Give me your Oscar picks for three or more categories and I’ll knock another three bucks off! For details or to place your order, click here TODAY. And in the meantime, send me some GOOD questions! Anonymous is fine. I just like to do good.

 



DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed debater, mass or otherwise. No advice is given or implied unless it helps you. All information herein is meant for entertainment and jibing purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send Steve Bissette art of Swamp Thing topless. I love that guy’s stuff. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re as humorless as that Woz guy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Marvel’s lawyers. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. (Hear that, Marvel and DC?) Draw me at a con at your financial peril. My fans kick butt!